dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
