you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I supernannyed him into submission
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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