did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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