I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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