Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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