I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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