I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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