he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
