Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
