I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
