shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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