I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Randomize
