My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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