there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
