apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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