remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My ass is underappreciated
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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