I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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