My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Rumble strips road head = magical
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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