the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
