mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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