there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
