Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
