Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
