So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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