we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just gift wrapped bread.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
