every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
