You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
BRING THE BAGELS
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
