i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I have post one night stand depression
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
