I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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