bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
