I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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