Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize