I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
