I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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