goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
