Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize