when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
