plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
