I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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