My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
