I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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