I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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