yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
