There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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