census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
