So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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