Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
