wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
