i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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