I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
if only i could text you this smell
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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