clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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