Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
