Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
