Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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